The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Why We Fall for the Same Toxic Relationships
- Brynn Barry, LPC
- Mar 19
- 5 min read
By Brynn Barry, LPC
The anxious-avoidant trap is a dynamic observed in relationships where one partner tends to have an anxious attachment style while the other leans toward avoidant attachment. This interplay creates a cycle that reinforces both partners' fears and behaviors, making it difficult to form a secure, mutually satisfying connection. Read more about each attachment style in our blog post about attachment trauma.
How this Dynamic Unfolds
An early sign of the anxious-avoidant trap is differing needs for intimacy. The anxious partner craves closeness, reassurance, and frequent communication. They may become preoccupied with fears of rejection or abandonment. In contrast, the avoidant partner values independence and tends to withdraw and feel overwhelmed by closeness, as it poses a risk to their autonomy.
The relationship begins to exhibit an escalating cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. When the anxious partner seeks increased closeness, the avoidant partner may feel pressured and pull away to maintain emotional distance. This withdrawal reinforces the anxious partner’s insecurities, leading them to pursue even more reassurance and closeness. The avoidant partner, in turn, may escalate their distancing behaviors to protect themselves, thereby deepening the cycle.
The emotional roller coaster created by the anxious-avoidant dynamic can produce a potent mix of highs and lows. For some anxiously attached individuals, the intensity of the relationship—even when it is painful—can feel more engaging and validating than a stable, but potentially less dramatic, bond. The unpredictability may tire them, but it also keeps them emotionally engaged.
This dynamic reinforces fears of abandonment and intimacy within each partner. The anxious partner’s "clinginess" and hypervigilance about the relationship amplify the avoidant partner's discomfort with intimacy. The avoidant partner’s repeated distancing acts as confirmation for the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Beneath the surface, it is the subconscious fears of each partner that also perpetuate the cycle. The anxious partner, like the avoidant, also fears intimacy, but for a different reason. They desire being "chosen" on a conscious level, however they also don't feel worthy or trusting of consistent closeness. Without realizing it, they often reject potential partners who offer secure attachment, citing a lack of chemistry that would develop more slowly in a healthy relationship.
On the other hand, avoidant partners subconsciously fear abandonment, which frequently becomes triggered once their partner disengages and threatens to end the relationship. This subconcious fear of abandonment also prevents them from attempting to connect deeply with their anxious partner. If they are never fully vulnerable, it is less painful when it ends. Once the pressure of commitment is off the table (due to breaking up), they will often attempt to reconnect with their partner and make promises to change. Unfortunately, they often don't realize that those promises only feel possible due to the distance created by the breakup.
Effective communication and vulnerability are often undermined in this trap. The anxious partner may feel perpetually unfulfilled and rejected, while the avoidant partner might feel suffocated or controlled. As both partners become entrenched in their roles—pursuing or withdrawing—the relationship can become a constant tug-of-war, leaving little room for openness or genuine intimacy.
Why Does this Dynamic Develop?
Many anxiously attached individuals have experienced inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving in childhood. The fluctuating availability of an avoidant partner—who may sometimes be caring but often retracts emotionally—can feel strangely familiar. This dynamic, though painful, mirrors early relational patterns and may subconsciously feel “normal.”
An avoidant partner’s emotional unavailability often triggers deep-seated fears of abandonment that stem from these early experiences. Paradoxically, this can intensify the anxious individual’s drive to gain approval and closeness. They may believe that winning over the avoidant will finally provide the security they long for, even though the pattern is cyclic and often bound to repeat. In a way, this is the brain's way of "correcting" attachment trauma.
Addressing the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
Addressing the anxious-avoidant trap requires strategies that help both partners understand their own attachment styles, communicate more effectively, and build a more secure relationship. Some strategies include:
Deepen self-awareness by understanding the roots. Your attachment style often originates from early experiences. Reflect on childhood relationships—were your caregivers consistently available, or did you face uncertainty? Recognizing these influences can help you see why you might fear abandonment or crave constant reassurance today in your romantic relationship.
Insight can be fostered through mindfulness practices like non-judgmental observation, body awareness or journaling. Sometimes, your body responds before your mind is aware of an implicit memory. Noticing tension or a racing heart in certain interactions might be the doorway to understanding these feelings. When a familiar trigger arises, try to notice the sensation and the thought patterns linked to it.
Foster open communication and practice vulnerability. After all, vulnerability is at the heart of genuine connection. Use “I feel” statements to describe your internal reactions. For example, “I feel triggered when I sense distance because it reminds me of times I felt abandoned.” Creating an environment where both parties feel safe to discuss sensitive past experiences can cultivate a stronger and safer bond.
If vulnerability feels threatening, start with small risks to opening up your feelings. Over time, these small steps accumulate into a healthier pattern. Consistency is key. Regular, honest, and vulnerable communication gradually rewires old responses, replacing old, insecure reactions with new, secure ones. Emotion-Focused Therapy in couples counseling is helpful in recognizing negative interaction patterns and building more secure bonds through gradual vulnerability.
Challenge and reframe unhealthy thoughts and beliefs about your yourself and relationships. Beneath insecure attachment lies internalized beliefs like “I’m unlovable” or “people will always hurt me.” Once identified, work on questioning these beliefs. Is this belief universally true? What evidence do I have now that contradicts this old script? Replace “I’m unworthy of love” with affirmations like, “I deserve healthy love, and I am capable of forming nurturing relationships.” Rewiring the brain is possible, especially with the help of a therapist through interventions like EMDR.
Set healthy boundaries and practice validation. Both partners should strive to validate the other’s feelings while respecting appropriate boundaries for both closeness and independence. For example, the anxious partner might recognize that the avoidant’s need for space isn’t a rebuff, and the avoidant partner might acknowledge how vivid their expressions of worry feel to the anxious partner. After listening and validating each other, work together on finding solutions that address both partners’ needs. One example is scheduling quality time together while also honoring individual space during the week.
Develop an ability to regulate and reduce avoidance and preoccupation. Strategies such as self-soothing (using mindfulness, deep breathing, or grounding techniques) can help manage anxiety when the avoidant partner withdraws. Learning to tolerate periods without constant reassurance empowers the anxious partner to build resilience. Learning to recognize and express emotions openly—possibly by practicing vulnerability incrementally—can decrease the impulse to withdraw. Techniques like mindfulness or even DBT skills can be useful in managing discomfort with closeness.
Co-regulation in the relationship will also support each other emotionally. When you feel triggered, having an agreed-upon method—whether it’s a timeout or a comforting phrase—can de-escalate anxious or avoidant tendencies. By integrating these strategies, partners can gradually break free from the anxious-avoidant trap. The goal is to foster greater understanding, more balanced emotional responses, and the development of a secure, mutually satisfying relationship environment.
If you are interested in starting therapy, contact our office to book an appointment with one of our therapists. We can provide virtual counseling to Arizona residents or meet at our Phoenix office.
Desert Oak Counseling, LLC
3420 E Shea Blvd., Suite 167
Phoenix, AZ 85028
602-726-9997
